By reading this, it is likely you have an interest in either hosting or attending a CFNM party, so good for you! CFNM parties are a very different type of gathering than what most society might consider a normal social gathering, and they aren't for everyone. Yet they are becoming more and more popular around the globe and when done right, the men and women that attend them thoroughly enjoy their unique qualities. In fact, in my experience, the vast majority of women I know that had concerns or trepidation about going to a CFNM party always tell me afterward that their misgivings were ill-founded, they thoroughly enjoyed it and were eager to attend the next one - success! But there are some very important things to know in advance if you want to have an enjoyable, fun experience for both women and men.
The following advice and recommendations are rooted in years of experience of not just me, but many people that have hosted both successful, and more importantly, unsuccessful CFNM parties and events. In addition, of significance to this guide is the knowledge we gained from surveying over 2,000 men and women in open publications like Craigslist, dating sites, Internet forums for local community events, and community boards of a general nature using a professional account with SurveyMonkey.com. The process of taking the survey as well as the resulting data are presented in detail on our CFNM Village Survey page. On this page one can learn what a cross-section of society - particularly the females - would want to experience at a CFNM party, which in turn might help an organizer determine the theme, activities and rules of CFNM gatherings that attracts the largest audience.
Step 1 - Know What You Want
Before embarking on a long trip, if you don't know your destination you'll never make it there, right? Same thing here. If you're planning a CFNM party, before reaching out to anyone and asking them what the protocol and activities should be, simply ask yourself that question. Get the vision in your own mind of what you want, then make it your goal. Making such an unusual event happen takes a lot of work, and if others coop your vision, you'll lose your inspiration and without a rain maker like you, the event won't happen. If you are a woman, this is particularly true. If you are a man, you can make it happen, but remember you may need to compromise that vision to meet the needs and interests of the women, because getting them to come will be your hardest task. For this reason, the creed of this website is our Female-First Doctrine. Guys orchestrating CFNM gatherings should read it thoroughly, because if you adopt it as your own creed, the probability of drawing many women to your party will increase precipitously.
Step 2 - Recognize The Different Types of CFNM Parties - Choose One
"If you've seen one CFNM party, you've seen....well, one CFNM party." Just as it is for all parties, CFNM parties can vary considerably based upon the interests of those attending. CFNM parties range from tame to insane; from mild to wild. Many women that are experiencing a CFNM party for the first time may be nervous and concerned about being surrounded by a bevy of completely naked men and thus more mild "vanilla" activities may be warranted. Alternatively, some women have a clear idea about what they want to experience, which may be a bit saucy for the neophyte, and their interests should also be considered during the planning. Thus, the group of women planning an event must balance the agenda to meet the attendees expectations while also assuring all women attending feel secure within whatever comfort zone they may have.
CFNM versus CFnm - Knowing the Difference - It is important to note again that there are two very different varieties of CFNM parties, and we provide a detailed discussion on the origins and purposes of these very different varieties on our FAQs page. The first version, generically called "CFNM" (all letters capitalized) was the one this author and others envisioned when we created the concept and term while hosting the first CFNM parties in the 1990s. In this version, the nudity of the men is presented for the ladies to experience in whatever manner they enjoy, provided their activities stay within the rules. Generally speaking, women interested in the this type of CFNM gathering enjoy the eroticism of seeing and experiencing the naked bodies of men while concurrently knowing they will never have to reciprocate by disrobing or with any sexual interaction. Women are given the ability to objectify nude males in the same way society has provided the reverse for men for centuries. The comradery of a sisterhood among women of similar interests encourages them to openly acknowledge, embrace and share their voyeuristic yearnings and other interests in a way rarely allowed anywhere else in society.
The second version, which evolved after the creation of the first, has its origins in the world of BDSM. It focuses on the Female Dominant/male submissive dynamic typically abbreviated as "D/s" with the lower case "s" for the men designating subordination and/or inferiority. For this variety, the CFNM acronym has evolved into "CFnm", which we use on this site for clarity and understanding. Because some form of power exchange is present in all BDSM activities, the clothed-female/naked-male clothing protocol serves as an excellent means to establish gender hierarchy to facility that exchange. In general, women that enjoy the CFnm version are less interested in the voyeuristic and/or prurient opportunities of being around nude men, but instead, find enjoyment in dominating the men with the purpose of the men's nudity being to emphasize the subordination of the male gender to the female gender while also intensifying the men's feelings of vulnerability and helplessness to the women. The men's vulnerability from being naked can then open the door for its exploitation in the form of humiliation and painful aspects found in sadomaschistic play.
Because of the many organized BDSM groups that have active gatherings, often referred to as "munches", CFnm has become the fastest growing segment of CFNM party enthusiasts. Within this community, the range of CFnm games and activities is as varied as the people enjoy BDSM. Some gatherings are subdued whereby the naked men are there only to cater to the needs of the women serving them drinks, food or giving foot massages, but do not speak unless spoken to and never drawing attention to themselves. Other CFnm parties are fully immersed into all the flavors of sadomasochism one can envision, including activities designed to cause varying levels of pain and psychological humiliation to the men to satiate both the sadistic desires of the women as well as the masochistic desires of the men.
Not only are the type of activities markedly different between CFNM and CFnm, so are the people that enjoy one versus the other. Activities and games appropriate for one can be considered inappropriate for the other. However, there may be overlap wherein the interests of the women straddle both types thus resulting in a blending of activities from both versions. Thus, it is important for those orchestrating CFNM parties to first determine what they want as well as the group of attendees they wish to attract.
CFNM Tea Parties - As discussed elsewhere, the very first orchestrated party that followed a CFNM dress protocol occurred prior to the creation of the term. It was a tea party in San Francisco orchestrated by four renowned feminist authors. CFNM or CFnm tea parties typically include only women being invited as guests while all service providers - including butlers, waiters, chefs, cocktail servers and photographers - are men, who, other than possibly wearing bow-ties, cuffs and polished shoes with matching socks, are required to be completely naked for the duration of the party. The men provide their services in a dutiful, obedient manner adhering to strict service protocol and only speaking when spoken to. Because of the unique and very structured party environment, we have a specially dedicated page to CFNM Tea Parties.
Once you know what it is you want, and, what type of party you want to have and the type of people you'll invite, you are then ready to take action.
Step 3 - School is in Session
As you begin to reach out to potential cohosts and attendees, your initial discussions should have three very important goals: educate, educate and educate. That's right. I'm not stuttering. This is because the term "CFNM" has been so twisted that a Google search will likely get you link after link of pornographic orgy "CFNM" videos featuring women on their knees in line to "abuse" one or several naked men by orally servicing them. Alternatively, problematic imagery also includes the femdom variety wherein groups of overweight middle-aged naked men with black hoods are on their hands and knees at the feet of dominatrices clad in blood-red latex and high heel stilettos as the ladies wield cat o' nine tails. Sadly, these same corpulent men never quite understand why such imagery scares off the vast majority of women that might otherwise be interested in participating at a CFNM party.
So your first step in education is to explain that such "CFNM" imagery is really just catering to men's fantasies to sell a product, similar to how fake news works. When women understand that real CFNM parties are never about women servicing the men, but instead, nude men providing service to women, their interest grows quickly.
Real CFNM parties are also never about anyone profiting. Sure, there may be a donation to help fray the costs of the venue and expenses incurred by the hostesses, but never more than, say, $50 on average for each person attending (females usually don't pay as the goal is to keep their numbers as high as possible). As you initiate discussions with the first folks you hope will help you get the event going, it is important you address these "elephants in the room" and dispel any notions that your plan is to have an orgy, or to make money. Most importantly, you must assure any prospective females attending that their security and comfort will always be the utmost importance while also stressing that the activities will be limited to those they desire while remaining within their comfort zone.
And that gets us to the Number #1 reason for why this website was created - to educate. Please feel free to direct your prospective cohosts and guests to this website. Let them read the various pages, and discuss openly with them your and their intentions and needs to come to ultimately an accord as to what the shared vision will be. Oh yes, stay away from Google links and those guys that have a different idea as to what your vision should be!
Step 4- Create a Website/Forum
For you to get the word out, you will need an Internet platform where interested attendees can learn about the event and get to know other prospective attendees. Whatever platform you use, which can be a discussion forum, a user group or bulletin board, it should be the main source for efficiently disseminating important information to others about what is planned, and, as the previous section advises, to educate. Having such a platform dedicated specifically to your event is also important as it allows a very efficient way of communicating to attendees. Many websites such as Fetlife, Yahoo or even Google offer free online groups and forums for chatting. Many of the Internet groups also offer its members a chance to create their own profile accounts, which can list contact information such as preferred emails. Currently, mobile apps are increasing constantly with new ways for groups of people to organize and hook up.
The group's information page should be presented in a way that educates others about the event (see "3. School is in Session" above). There are two caveats. First is the need to maintain the security of the site such that only approved members can join. More importantly, no personal information that one would not want disclosed should be on the site. Second is the challenge of posting the date and location of the event running the risk that some who are not invited (often by design) learn of it and show up. One suggestion to overcome these challenges is to use the website group as a way station for folks to learn of the opportunity, and possibly get involved in interacting with others of similar interests for CFNM parties in the region. When the hostess committee is formed, the hostesses may then selectively contact members of the the group to meet with them and get to know them before the party date and location is given.
If your planning your event to be geared towards a fetish such as female domination, the website will have a better home on community boards with such orientation. However, if you want a more traditional CFNM gathering targeting a cross-section of the general population of women, your website or forum should be done tastefully. If men are already committed to coming, particularly if they're handsome "beefcakes" as was the case with our CFNM parties in the 1990s, their photos should be shown. Photos of the men should be alluring, and although some nudity may be included (after all, it is CFNM), the nude photos should be tasteful absent guys flaunting their erections for the camera lens. If profiles of the male members are allowed, any guy that posts cock-shots should be shot himself with his profile meeting a similar demise. As a general rule, if a man has a profile on any forums showing numerous up-close photos of his calling card in his hand, he should be rejected immediately and not shown on your website as it will definitely dissuade women from coming. Again, if you're targeting females from the general population, the party should be billed as a fun but naughty party, where no woman ever undresses, and sex is strictly prohibited...and oh yes, the guys aren't allowed to wear clothes!
Step 5 - Finding Potential Attendees
Without a doubt getting females to attend your CFNM party is the most challenging and time-consuming endeavor of making a CFNM party happen. The naive neophyte who thinks "build it and they will come" is doomed from the beginning. You will also find that as the momentum grows and women become interested, men magically appear. I've wondered how that happens - sort of like whenever women congregate for an erotic purpose, men seem to spontaneously appear as though they have blood hound in their DNA. I think it's one of those mysteries of the universe.
Even when women are the ones soliciting other females for a CFNM party, they frequently tell the difficulty they have in finding women that will come, although they never seem to have a problem getting guys. So how do you get women to attend? The answer is to follow this formula: E + P + E = Success! That is, Education plus Presentation plus Effort will produce a successful CFNM party with females attending (the original formula was P+E+E = Success!, but then I realized that formula already exists on websites for men's prostate pharmaceuticals).
Education. Over time, I've learned the problem isn't that women don't like the idea, it's that they either don't understand the idea or trust what it's about. Again, as discussed above, education is key. "CFNM" is still an obscure term in the lexicon of erotica and thus vulnerable to being misunderstood, particularly when pornographers hi-jack it and create images inconsistent with its real purpose. Further, the concept of a CFNM party is counterintuitive to women who are used to it being the women that are objectified by the men, not vice versa. They often ask themselves "Why would guys do this? They MUST have a hidden agenda for sex like those images I see when I Google CFNM!" And let's face it, we are all nervous about going to any new gathering wherein we don't know people. So compound that with a party wherein all the men will be naked is particularly intimidating for most women, particularly those that do not have friends that can or will accompany them. It is for this reason that successful CFNM party planners put as much effort in connecting with the ladies in advance as the effort that goes into the party itself.
Presentation. Also discussed above is the need to have an Internet platform where folks can go and learn about the event. The quality of that forum will be proportionate to the numbers of women that are interested. Of course, the CFNM Village website was created to educate, and hopefully you can find use in it by pointing prospective female attendees to the various pages of it.
In addition, making it clear there's a steering committee of ladies involved with whom the prospective female attendees can contact directly will help tremendously. Women will generally trust what other women tell them before a believing a man they don't know well.
If you're organizing on a fetish forum such as fetlife.com, the profiles of the men will already be viewable; however, for our first CFNM event, we were not targeting a fetishist group, but instead, a cross-section of the female population in general. Thus, we had to make sure the photos of the men shown were alluring, yet tasteful. The various public forums in which the event was advertised drew a lot of men, some of whom were surprisingly handsome and well-built. We had athletes, body builders, trainers and male models apply. Following are some of the male attendees that were featured on the website (and yeah, I'm one - the guy on the far right riding bareback):
Inclusive with the above photos were discussion of the men, their vocations and from where they were coming. These were not all of the profiles of the men presented, and others were simply of guys doing things they enjoy such as sailing or rock climbing. However, although a number of the men were featured fully nude, we intentionally blocked out their genitals in the photos - the worst thing one can do is start showing cock shots of headless guys as nothing screams C-R-E-E-P-Y more, and will certainly scare off most women.
However, a lot of the guys coming will not be compulsive gym rats and don't have to stop and look in the mirror every time they pass one. In fact, in our CFNM Village Survey, less than 5% of the women indicated they wanted only trim, buff and handsome men with 31% saying that as long as a portion of the guys are well-built they'd be happy with a variety, and, 56% (the majority) indicating they prefer a variety of men of different physiques and ages.
And this makes sense. There are no restrictions on the physical attractiveness of women coming, who at our parties ranged from just barely an adult to women in their early 60s. Their physiques also ranged from one gorgeous blonde that was an exotic dancer to a rather stout grandmother. And the variety of men present resulted in something unexpected - several of the female and male guests ended up forming relationships after the party - what better yardstick of success could there be?
Effort. This is the big one. You will NOT be able to throw a great CFNM party unless some of the key people planning the event put in a LOT of effort, at least for the first party. This includes reaching out into the world and letting women know about the gathering, which presumably includes the securing of a venue (see below). Once the website is up and running with the hostesses available to help in communicating with prospective female guests, it's time to advertise. Although you may physically post a note on a local college bulletin board, it is primarily done these days through Internet websites and forums. Here are some ones used for CFNM parties in the past:
- Discussion boards, forums and social networks. We've talked about sites such as fetlife.com, meetup.com and others for reaching out. If it is a fetish board, your tact will, of course, be markedly different than if you're interested in the more traditional types of CFNM parties this author hosted. As it pertains to the latter, an option is to post it as an event on regional community boards with the ad saying you are gathering thoughts and ideas about a "risque party that's a bit naughty, although no sex or female nudity is allowed; however, none of the guys are allowed to wear clothes!" The post or ad should have an email for contact. I prefer waiting for emails requesting more information before identifying the website's URL as it allows screening and avoids unwanted commentary on the website as well as preventing it being reposted on undesirable sites.
- Craigslist and Backpage.com and other community classified boards. These Internet ad sites are usually free to use and often have several areas the event can be posted. Some have an "events" section or "local happenings" where you can post teaser ads with your email for free. Of course, the relationship boards where you can send emails directly can work, but always be considerate, kind and tactful in how you approach anyone. Sooner or later, someone will probably object, and possibly have your account deleted. However, you can always simply create another.
- Dating forums. I and other attendees (both males and females) placed our profiles posted several dating forums including Plenty of Fish (pof.com), LavaLife.com, Matchmaker.com and others. Adult dating sites such as adultfriendfinder.com, friendfinder-x.com, xmatch.com and others will proved to be the most fruitful as the members already have an erotic orientation; however, these site are fraught with fake female profiles, hustlers and hookers, so it takes an effort to sift through the dregs to find legitimate women interested in an encounter - but they are there hiding, and proved to be wonderful women that were crazy about the concept. Using dating sites to drum up attendance takes finesse and one should always be sensitive to when it's appropriate. You can search for and find men and women in the area and after reading their profiles, find the ones that may be a bit more sexually liberated. Be prepared for a lot of rejection and insults, even coming from some that you never contacted by instead learned about your venture independently. A number of times we were contacted by the hosting site with complaints about the endeavor, including having our accounts deleted due to the complaint misrepresenting the actual message sent.
Because CFNM is still an obscure concept that needs explaining, it is difficult conveying the message. Expect only about 5% to 10% response rate on emails and private messages sent to women on forums and dating sites. It then becomes a numbers game. However, if one is persistent, the number of interested women begins to increase the more effort you put into it, and if your female committee are also trying to get interest from the above Internet resources, that number will increase a lot faster. But be advised - even if you get a lot of women confirmed and excited, even after having met them in person wherein they expressed absolute enthusiasm about the party - expect a VERY high no-show rate on the day of the party, even as much as 50%. The reason being is that during the planning and discussions, many women become excited even discussing their fantasies about the event, yet when the day comes, they get cold feet. It's a phenomenon that not only affects women, but the men too. The best way to mitigate the no-show rate is to have pre-party gatherings wherein the ladies have their friends with them, and they decide to come together. Ladies have their girl friends come with them is a fantastic idea for numerous reasons, and should always be encouraged.
The last CFNM party that I was involved in co-hosting, we were able to get almost 100 RSVPs from women for the event. The only reason it did not go forward was an unexpected family crises that pulled me out of the dating scene for a long while. To this day I can only imagine what a CFNM party would be like with almost 100 women and an equal amount of men - it would certainly be the largest!
Step 6 - Getting the Right Venue
So once you know the type of party you want and the group of ladies are working together like a well-oiled engine (or at least having a blast planning the pending party), you now need to find a place to host it. Where it will be held is one of your biggest decisions and can be challenging.
My dear friend Rose S., had the best venue that ever witnessed a CFNM gathering. A bit of history - Rose learned of me through my writings, articles and this forum, and sought me out seeking advice about CFNM events she hoped to host. Rose has quite a good business sense and purchased out of bankruptcy proceedings for pennies on the dollar a 10,000 square foot mansion on large grounds insulated by thick woods (suffice it to say, you couldn't buy a 2 bedroom older house in Santa Monica for what she paid). The acres of manicured grounds and dozens of furnished rooms were exquisite. Rose was so interested in CFNM events that she eventually created a new concept - CFNM weekends! Rose would invite her lady friends as well as couples and single men to stay the weekend. The main rule was that upon arriving, all men must strip naked and remain that way until ready to leave on Sunday.
But finding such a CFNM palace is beyond what most of us could ever do. In our survey we asked both women and men where they felt the best venue for a CFNM party should be. The following table shows the results:
In no particular order, the six most critical aspects in selecting the venue are 1) appropriate size, 2) amenities, 3) any legal challenges with location, 4) potential neighborhood nuisances, 5) access, and 6) cost. From the above survey table, several venues, although acceptable for certain reasons, can usually be ruled out immediately due to legal issues. Many commercial venues such as banquet facilities, ballrooms, hotels and suites, restaurants, conference facilities and nightclubs often have municipal ordinances that prevent them from receiving revenues from any kind of activity that involves full nudity (the authorities don't differentiate between who's actually hosting the event - if the venue gets any $$$ whatsoever, they could be toast). Further, management often does not want an activity that they feel is incompatible with their typical functions or might have an impact on their image. CFNM parties can be noisy when guests laugh and make merry, and if a hotel or banquet manager walks in and sees the naked men parading about, it is a sure bet security will follow. Those that do have legal permission to allow nudity such as, say, strip clubs, still often have ordinances controlling them about male arousal and/or touching, and are often located in bad locations. Lastly, even if you can secure one of these venues, unless you know the owners and it's a personal favor, it can be very expensive.
A more legally appropriate venue might be a nudist or clothing optional resort as they've got legal authority to receive money for events where people are naked, and I've even talked to a few about CFNM gatherings. However, I have found challenges with these venues in that they have their own notions and philosophies concerning nudity. The way they view nudity almost reaches a cult-like preaching about what nudism is or is not as I truly think they believe they invented being naked. Because your event will feature nudity, they will expect you to comply with their rules and protocol. Expect intolerance from them if your policies or activities are inconsistent with theirs, such as your disallowing the presence of minors at the event (they believe nudism is a family thing), or not sounding the alarms if a man sports an erection (some nudist camps have stakes where such men are burnt). A venue where nudism is acceptable such as a public clothing-optional beach does work and we've hosted them there. Just be prepared for beach patrols to question what you're doing. More importantly, because they are open public venues you cannot easily control the perimeter and uninvited guests will walk into your gathering, which is problematic particularly if they are one of the many clothed men that commonly lurk at nude beaches stalking the ladies. Further, the clothed-female versus nude-male dynamic is lost when there are both clothed men and nude women present, which is common.
There are some venues that could work, such as the non-profit Center for Sex and Culture in San Francisco who have their own facilities. We think the organization and venue would have a high level of tolerance surrounding CFNM events as they already host the annual charity event the "Masturbate-a-Thon" where a mixed-gender crowed gathers to watch completely nude participants (mostly men) compete in masturbating to raise charity money. And they are amenable to renting out the venue. You would not only be at a great venue, but you also get a wonderful organization to connect with as part of the process. Other venues are more for the BDSM crowd and includes dungeons, which typically allow nudity; however, some of these are still restricted insofar as arousal and touching due to city ordinances. Dungeons can be particularly useful if your CFnm party requires the use of special equipment or, let's say, unique furniture design, for disciplining the male servers that just don't understand the proper protocol for serving hors d'oeuvres (those scoundrels!). But in general, if it is in a commercial dungeon, the women will be paid pro dommes or dominatrices, and for many, if the men are paying for the experience, it isn't really CFNM.
Probably the best venue is a large estate or house wherein the owners are supportive to CFNM. It makes the event cheaper and the party planners are in full control of the agenda and rules. A couple of challenges might be busy-body neighbors that appoint themselves as the "morality police" and call the police, their minister, or any elected official that panders to the ultra conservatives. One thing to remember is that if you charge people to attend, you will probably run afoul of city ordinances as it then becomes a commercial enterprise...and that creates a HUGE can of worms. This is typically handled by calling any money received to fray the costs a "donation". Never call it a "cover charge" or "party fee" or...well you get the idea.
Parking is also an important consideration. Ideally, there is a backyard and possibly a pool that cannot be seen from outside of the property. One such venue that was particularly successful was a private ranch owned by one of the male attendees a few miles out in the country. The party hostesses didn't have to be concerned about neighbors, and full male nudity occurred both indoors and outdoors, thus opening up opportunities for outdoor games and activities.
But if no one has access to someone's private property and the other venues don't work, there are alternatives that work well. Now before you read further keep in mind that CFNM parties never allow swinging or open sexual encounters, and the following recommendation remains consistent with this. The alternative is contacting one of the venues in your city that hosts on-premises sex or swinger parties. These venues can be ideal for CFNM parties as they often feature indoor and/or outdoor pools and Jacuzzis, lockers, dance floors, stages, bars and dining areas for buffets. Further, they will probably work regardless of the size of your group as some can host over 100 people at one time. One such venue in San Diego has been amenable to hosting CFNM parties before, as their adult play parties in the evening already require all men to strip nude upon arriving whereas the women remain clothed. An added benefit is they typically have an entrance area for receiving and screening people before they enter.
The big attraction for the owners of swing clubs will be getting paid for use of their facility at a time when it normally wouldn't be used. Helpful hint - when initially contacting them, it is best to have a woman on your committee making the call as she will usually get an immediate warm response as opposed to a man calling. She should explain what it is your group needs, and that you will not host it when they have one of their parties for couples. Weekend afternoons up until the time when their regular parties start works well for them. You explain that there will be no sex, so their sex playrooms will not be used (no need to clean), that you will abide by the same policies they have for their own members, your guests will sign whatever standard agreement/waiver they have, and here's the clincher - your party will be mostly dedicated to women - they love more women coming to their establishments. Just make sure they understand that you, not they, are hosting the party, as they may have some different ideas about protocols inconsistent with the CFNM agenda you desire. But they are typically agreeable with this.
These facilities are mostly owned and operated by a couple in the swinger lifestyle, and regardless of just how sexual or edgy you want the activities of your specific CFNM party, it will most assuredly be tame compared to what typically occurs there. In fact, at one venue the wife thought it was such a wonderful idea that she volunteered to host the party, and ended up inviting others she knew would enjoy a CFNM party. Depending upon the amenities, size and whether they will typically use the same routine they use for the party and provide the food and refreshments, the cost of their facility for an afternoon should not exceed the $200 to $400 range, but you should still shop around. One option is to let them do what they normally do, and that is to have their ladies sit at the reception table at the entrance and directly charge those coming with a "donation" to cover costs, which will offset their fee.
Regardless of what you do, your venue should always have someone always at the reception table receiving guests. Men should each bring their own duffle/gym bags to hold their clothes as well as a towel. If they don't have a duffle bag, brown paper grocery bags at the receiving table can be used whereby men strip and place all their clothes in the bags, the bags are labeled with their name and stapled closed. The bags should be put in a secure area and not opened until the men leave.
Step 7 - Committee of Women
If you are the person that's the catalyst behind making the party happen and you're male, you'll have to quickly get several key women involved to take over the leadership. At the very least, those serving as the "face" of the party's steering committee should all be female. There are numerous reasons for this, which include:
- Prospective female guests will be more comfortable in discussing the event with other women, particularly if those women are in charge and controlling the agenda. It is easier for the fears and concerns of women to be assuaged by other women than by men.
- The agenda and activities will be planned in a way that truly meet the interests of females while concurrently setting limits and boundaries that protect the comfort levels of those women attending. This is often hard for many men to accept as they are used to controlling the erotic experience to meet their own expectations never thinking or even caring about how the women's interest are being met.
- When women are orchestrating the event, the number of men interested also increases in a sort of logarithmic way.
If you still don't believe me, let me open the curtains for you on what happens if you don't get women to organize the event:
Scene 1: Our first act opens with a room full of naked men standing around with no women in sight. Greg and Jorge, who organized the CFNM party, are frantically speed dialing numbers they got from ladies they met on Internet boards and chat rooms who swore they and their entire sorority would attend. The numbers are, sadly, often the Department of Motor Vehicles or Mr. Lollypop's Donuts. The room has an awkward silence as the men stare blankly at the pitcher of beer and pretzels on the table desperately waiting for the first women to arrive. One finally speaks:
Frank to Oscar: "Uh...how 'bout them Patriots, good game, huh?"
Oscar: "I don't watch football. Too violent."
Frank: "Oh." ...awkward silence again.
Oscar to Frank: "Did you see Dancing with Stars last night?"
Frank: "Uh....what? No. You're standing too close to me."
And that my friends is a male-orchestrated CFNM event .
Step 8 - Party Politics
Say whaaat?! Yep. As with any group that attempts to do something unique and special, those involved in the organization will have varying interests, may have different ideas about who should come, and, more importantly, who should not. As one reads the book featuring the first Naked Slaveboy Tea Party on our page dedicated to CFNM Tea Parties., you'll see that even with the one that purportedly started the CFNM tea party movement, there was politics. Some women were offended when they were not invited while others objected to the party even being held.
This author has witnessed such terrible drama in hosting CFNM parties that the parties were actually cancelled. Drama is usually created when one person wants to dictate how things will happen while others are actually doing all the hard work or putting in the resources. At the beginning, ground rules should be laid that indicate although it is a democracy, some votes count more than others, and are gauged by the level of work one puts into the event, and, resources committed, particularly if it's someone's house. If the drama comes from a man, check the list of men attending and ascertain whether the ratio of men to women is too high (it usually is). Congratulations, you just fixed the ratio!
Step 9 - Establish Rules & Policies
Part of the working tasks of the planning committee is to establish rules and policies. Some are obvious, such as all attending must be legal adults, no illegal drugs, no excessive drinking, everyone shows on time, no waving your john thomas in the living room at cars passing by, etc. However, some people have to be informed on matters that to others are simply good manners or common sense. Once formulated, a rules and policy statement should be adopted, and everyone that comes must confirm that both read and agree to follow the rules.
Over the years we have developed such a policy statement. We are providing it here for you to download such that you may use all, some or none of it at your discretion:
Step 10 - Screening & Vetting Potential Attendees
As you read this you should understand that there are many anonymous people that are also reading it with you. Oooooh, yes, be afraid, be VERY afraid. Okay, a bit melodramatic and overly obvious for even me. But the point is - you'll no doubt meet up with a lot of prospective attendees from the Internet. That guy who's avatar photo looks strangely familiar to Matthew McConaughey may actually be more like Wooden Allen, but even more weird. And "Susie Girl" may ultimately be George, but you only know this when "Susie Girl" finally says she can't make it, but knows this wonderful guy named "George" who can.
And that's why we vet. But how do you vet? The BDSM community has developed gatherings called "munches", often held at public diners or bars - the operative word being "public". I've vetted prospective female attendees at restaurants, Starbucks and other venues. And it works. Another great strategy is that people must have referrals.
Once you've identified the prospective attendees, more munches or happy hour socials should take place. This has two purposes. First, it allows further vetting. Second, as people get to know each other, the familiarity makes it easier for the day of the event. Any party can be awkward when one doesn't know anyone. Now multiply that awkwardness several fold when the ladies don't know the men, then when they meet the guys for the first time, all the men are stark naked. Of course, ice-breaking activities at the party can take the edge off that first encounter, but that edge can be initially softened by getting to know folks in advance.
Lastly, you will probably end up with more men that necessary. More importantly, there will be some men in the group that, well, have a creep factor that might work well at a psychedelic rave with punk music, but not so delightful at your Sunday afternoon CFNM brunch. The best way to handle this is in the beginning you announce to all men that there are simply more men than the party can accommodate. You tell the men that there will be a revolving list, and if a guy doesn't make one party, he'll certainly be considered for a future one. Kind of nice - variety is the spice, right? This way you also can avoid that call at night with a guy breathing heavy in a deep voice "The wrath of the gods shall come upon you because I was not summoned - I AM the chosen one". Okay, melodrama again...but you get my point.
Step 11 - Day of the Event
Woohoo - it's party time! So here's some advice on how the party might go.
- Pre-party party. Let's say your party is supposed to begin at, say, 4:00 p.m. You then invite only the ladies to start the party at, say, 3:00 p.m. The pre-party party is a ladies-only gathering wherein the ladies can get to know each other better, gossip about the guys, and discuss the games and activities planned. Interests and concerns are discussed letting the hostess know if there are any specific concerns that should be addressed to assure all have a good time. Having the pre-party party also allows women new to CFNM parties an opportunity to put their tow in the water before the deluge of naked male flesh.
- Receiving. There should be a table at the front door with someone to screen attendees. If someone uninvited arrives, the matter can be handled before that person is allowed in. It is also a good idea to have one or two guys, preferably gym rats, to be ready to deal with any uninvited male guests that may insist upon entering (although this author has never encountered that situation).
- Stripping of the men. Our Party Games and Activities page features ideas about how the men stripping can be part of games. However, from this author's experience, if some men do not participate, it makes those men who do feel awkward. All men, without exception, must be fully naked for the unique and special dynamic we call "CFNM" to work. The best way for this to happen is that the hostess manning the table direct each man that arrives to fully strip in front of her. Ideally, he brought a duffle or gym bag to hold his clothes, but if not, a brown paper grocery bag can be used wherein after his clothes are placed in it, it is stapled shut and his name is written on it. Although the bags of clothes are stored in a secure room, all men must be informed not to bring anything of value with them such that their security is not a burden on the hostess.
- Because it is a burden "working the door", all guests should be required to arrive at a specific time. The hostess may make accommodations for some that arrive late, but, all should be aware that if they arrive, say, 30 minutes late, they will not be allowed to enter.
Once everyone has arrived, it's time for the hostess to make announcements and start any ice breaking games planned.
Step 12 - General Advice About Games & Activities
For suggestions pertaining to the actual games and activities that can be played at CFNM parties, inclusive of rules and variations, visit our CFNM Parties - Games & Activities page.
Breaking the ice. All parties run the risk of quickly growing stale when attendees don't know each other and feel awkward as they try to fit in. But when you combine this with the startling experience of meeting a person of the opposite gender for the first time and either you or they are completely naked, that awkwardness can intensify and become uncomfortable. A good hostess saves the day by using ice-breaking activities to warm things up. When such a hostess focuses upon activities that create a shared experience, there is a binding effect on guests that result in more fluid conversation and less awkwardness. This increases everyone's enjoyment while forging friendships. Even for CFNM parties where people are meeting for the first time, that awkwardness begins to fade and the unique and wonderfully weird environment wherein all women are clothed and all men are naked becomes more comfortable, if not fitting for everyone's enjoyment. Taken from either those women that have had successful CFNM parties, or, what women have communicated that they would want to experience at one, we have compiled a list of various games and activities to help catalyze the comfortable fun at your party that CFNM is capable of providing.
Recognize what type of CFNM party you and your guests want. "If you've seen one CFNM party, you've seen....well, one CFNM party." Just as it is for all parties, CFNM parties can vary considerably based upon the interests of the women hosting (and yes, they should always have women assisting if not orchestrating their planning and organization), and, the women attending as guests. CFNM parties range from tame to insane; from mild to wild. Many women that are experiencing a CFNM party for the first time may be nervous and concerned about being surrounded by a bevy of completely naked men and thus more mild "vanilla" activities may be warranted. Alternatively, some women have a clear idea about what they want to experience, which may be a bit saucy for the neophyte, and their interests should also be considered during the planning. Thus, the group of women planning an event must balance the agenda to meet the attendees expectations while also assuring all women attending feel secure within whatever comfort zone they may have.
CFNM versus CFnm - Knowing the Difference - It is important to note again that there are two very different varieties of CFNM parties, and we provide a detailed discussion on the origins and purposes of these very different varieties on our FAQs page. The first version, generically called "CFNM" (all letters capitalized) was the one this author and others envisioned when we created the concept and term while hosting the first CFNM parties in the 1990s. In this version, the nudity of the men is presented for the ladies to experience in whatever manner they enjoy, provided their activities stay within the rules. Generally speaking, women interested in the this type of CFNM gathering enjoy the eroticism of seeing and experiencing the naked bodies of men while concurrently knowing they will never have to reciprocate with any disrobing or sexual interaction. Women are given the same ability to objectify nude males in the same way society has provided the reverse for men for centuries. The comradery of a sisterhood among women of similar interests encourages them to openly acknowledge, embrace and share their voyeuristic and other interests in a way rarely done anywhere else in society.
The second version, which evolved after the creation of the first, has its origins in the world of BDSM. It focuses on the Female Dominant/male submissive dynamic typically abbreviated as "D/s" with the lower case "s" for the men designating subordination and/or inferiority. For this variety, the CFNM acronym has evolved into "CFnm", which we use on this site for clarity and understanding. Because some form of power exchange is present in all BDSM activities, the clothed-female/naked-male clothing protocol serves as an excellent means to establish gender hierarchy to facility that exchange. In general, women that enjoy the CFnm version are less interested in the voyeuristic and prurient opportunities of being around nude men, but instead, find enjoyment in dominating the men with the purpose of the men's nudity being to emphasize the subordination of the male gender to the female gender while also intensifying the men's feelings of vulnerability and helplessness to the women. Due to the many organized BDSM groups that have active gatherings, often referred to as "munches", CFnm has become the fastest growing segment of CFNM enthusiasts. Within this community, the range of CFnm games and activities is as varied as the people enjoy BDSM. Some gatherings are subdued whereby the naked men are there only to cater to the needs of the women serving them drinks, food or giving foot massages, but do not speak unless spoken to and never drawing attention to themselves. Other CFnm parties are fully immersed into all the flavors of sadomasochism one can envision, including activities designed to cause varying levels of pain and psychological humiliation to the men to satiate both the sadistic desires of the women as well as the masochistic desires of the men.
Not only are the type of activities markedly different between CFNM and CFnm, so are the people that enjoy one versus the other. Activities and games for one are often considered highly inappropriate for the other. Alternatively, there may be overlap wherein the interests of the women straddle both types thereby warranting activities normally associated with both versions. Thus, it is important for those orchestrating CFNM parties to first determine what they want as well as the group of attendees they want to attract.
CFNM Tea Parties - As discussed elsewhere, the very first orchestrated party that followed a CFNM dress protocol occurred prior to the creation of the term. It was a tea party in San Francisco orchestrated by four renowned feminist authors. Only women were invited as guests, but all service providers - including butlers, waiters, chefs, cocktail servers and photographers - were all men, who, other than bow-ties, cuffs and polished shoes, were required to be completely naked for the duration of the party as they dutifully provided the ladies service. CFNM tea parties fall more appropriate in the CFnm camp as the men maintain a lower-level standing of subservience, and must continually provide services politely and quickly to any lady that requests it. Over time, CFnm tea parties, which are often party of local BDSM communities, have evolved into gatherings that require the men to be specially trained in deportment and protocol pertain to "high-tea" service.
Because of their pioneering history and highly developed needs and related activities, these parties deserve their own spotlight so we have provided a page dedicated exclusively to CFnm Tea Parties.
Maximize involvement. A good host of any party attempts to make sure party games and activities include everyone. The job of the hostess is to keep an eye on every person to make sure she or he has the opportunity to interact. Activities should be designed to by maximally inclusive for your guests. If a specific game necessarily requires a limit on the contestants, teams instead of individuals can be formed and those left out can be judges. Turns at playing should be taken. What makes a good hostess a great one is that she can sense when someone is not participating due to shyness, and provides strong encouragement for them to more actively participate. As discussed elsewhere, the hostess should also communicate what activities are planned in advance of the gathering and get feedback on their use. If certain activities are beyond the comfort level of men coming, yet they decide to come anyway, those men must recognize they hold an obligation to both hostesses and female guests to not only actively participate, but to do so absent any objection.
Plan your space. Many activities require open space or a staging area. Others may require certain furniture such as tables. The party planners should contemplate in advance how their venue will meet the needs of planned activities. In addition, sometimes equipment may be needed such as writing boards or charts, easels or places to tie rope so their usage should also be envisioned. Proper placement of furniture and floor coverings should be done prior to the party. And of course, given the male nudity, considerations for hygiene should include the presence of towels to sit on or to clean any soiled areas.
Orient activities towards female interests. Source of party ideas (women only, please). Getting and maintaining a proper ratio of female attendees is the hardest aspect of hosting any CFNM party. All activities should be designed around what would provide the greatest interest of those prospective women you are targeting for your event. But what women and men may want to experience is typically be very different. In accordance with the reasoning set forth in the Female-First Doctrine, we are only including on this website those CFNM party games and activities that women have expressed an interest. These women have either actually hosted parties with these activities, or, have communicated to us they are activities they would like to see conducted. To ascertain the popularity of certain CFNM games among women, we utilized our CFNM Village Survey. Although many men have suggested activities, we find that they often lean towards only satiating the men's own fantasies as opposed to what women want, and are typically beyond the ladies' comfort levels. Even the discussion of such male-oriented activities may result in dissuading women from attending their first CFNM gathering due to fear they might actually occur.
Given this, regardless of how "edgy" some of these games presented herein may be, rest assured that they all emanate from the desires and expectations of women that have submitted them to us. Provided the hostesses and ladies attending the event desire to have feature them, all may be considered official CFNM party games and perfectly appropriate for a CFNM, or, CFnm party as the case may be.
Consenting Adults Only. No woman or man should every be pressured into doing something that exceeds their comfort zone, and all are cautioned to rely upon their own judgement when engaging in these activities. It is imperative that those hosting the parties clearly communicate the type of activities that will occur in advance. For the women attending, if there are activities that are beyond your comfort level, or, would dissuade you from attending, she should communicate those concerns to the planners - there's a good chance she is not the only one with those concerns. For the men attending, if there are activities communicated in advance that are beyond their comfort level, they can certainly voice their concern to the planners, but if the activities cannot be altered, then their only option is to politely pass on the invitation. However, once a man attends, it is viewed implicitly that he consents and is then compelled to participate in whatever games and activities are conducted. Men that come to events knowing what will occur then seek to alter the activities are not only violating protocol, but are souring the event for everyone. But when he attends and participates, even when the activity stretches his comfort level or perhaps embarrasses him, he should view the activity as an opportunity to prove to the ladies he fully embraces the Female-First Doctrine, and is putting their enjoyment above his own comfort level. And that's the best way a man can thank those women for the opportunity to come, which makes it a win-win for both the women and men.